Kurtz of the Kitchen

Have the decency to ask.

You under­stand – everything you take from that fridge – you take from my chil­drens’ hands.
Don’t get me wrong. If you’re good to me. I’m fuck­ing good as fam­ily to you. You need this place for a birth­day, a func­tion, we’ll book it out for you. You smile at the cus­tom­ers. Do what you’re told, I pay you on time. You fuck me around, take sick days,  I won’t pay you. You can go to hos­pital – Taih­nah went to hos­pital to get a hip oper­a­tion last year – I let her go. I’m good to yah, you fuck­ing tell me what ward you’re in when you go though. I’ll send you flowers. I’ll come and see yah make sure I see ya. I don’t want no one sick­ing out on me.


If I catch you talk­ing to your friends, I’ll tell ‘em to fuck off. You will hear those words com­ing out of my mouth. Fuck off.


If I ask for a cof­fee. That’s what I want to get. My cof­fee. Pretty fuck­ing simple right.  I come first. Doesn’t mat­ter who you’re serving, you make me my cof­fee. Frank’s cof­fee.  You all been trained how to make my cof­fee right? Doesn’t mat­ter who’s in line. When Kevin Rudd came to cam­pus last year, he asked where to go, and he was told here. You know why, because every­one knows this is the place you go. He lined up. I had my cof­fee before his. I met him he said ‘you a Lib­eral sup­porter are you?’ I said ‘damn right I’m a lib­eral voter! I’m the one who fuck­ing got John Howard in!’ doesn’t mat­ter who’s in line – you make Frank’s cof­fee first.


I might be an arse­hole. I come in in the morn­ing, I’m fuck­ing tired, been here since mid­night the night before. I’m grumpy as shit. You can call me that after hours, but you don’t call me arse­hole behind the counter though – you call me sir or boss. Alex – finally got her name only took me what Tiahn­nah, six weeks? – Alex got it this morn­ing I came in, told her what to do, she said ‘fine’ you know why she said fine, because I’m pay­ing her. She’s got the right attitude.


I’m not all arse­hole though. I’m a good fuck­ing boss. I’ll look after you. You need any­thing, I mean any­thing, I’ll help you with it. I’m the per­son to ask, I’ve got friends. I’ll take you out on boats on the lake. I got a friend with a big yacht, we went out there last year, had a party, I might even take you to the Gold Coast for a train­ing ses­sion. We go shop­ping, you can get whatever you want. Ain’t that right T, got you a Prada bag last year. Yeah. She’s all upset cos her boy­friend wouldn’t get her a Prada bag. I said, isn’t it your birth­day soon? She said, yeah, so? I said let’s get you a bag. Ok so she was happy to get any nice bag right, I took her to Prada and I said pick whatever you want. If you’re good to me I’ll look after ya.


I treat you like I treat my fam­ily. You give to me, I’ll give ten times to you. You do long hours here, don’t fuck me around with leave, you can come to Sydney with us for train­ing. Same token, you treat me bad I’ll treat you ten times as fuck­ing bad. I work like a fuck­ing dog to sup­port my fam­ily so I walk in at night, I dump my jeans on the floor where I take them off my wife says can’t I put them in the wash­ing bas­ket. I’ll leave them where I fuck­ing take them off.  I’ll take you to Sydney, get you whatever you want if you work hard for me. You rip me off though, and you’ll wish you’d never been born. Ain’t that right T’. Who was the last girl we found out had been giv­ing free cof­fee to her friends eh? Fired her on the spot. In front of every­one, didn’t pay her for her last two weeks. But you know what the cus­tom­ers they love that drama don’t they. That’s what they come here for. The drama and the girls. Last week I wanted my cof­fee right – I say to Tiah­nah – ‘Frank’s cof­fee!’ – you know what she says to me – she says – ‘does that come with a please?’. I went in to that kit­chen I got the biggest fuck­ing plate I could find – and I threw if from there – you see near the kit­chen door on that side of the room – to that wall. You know what happened it smashed and bounced off the fridge and hit her on the leg didn’t it T? The whole queue was watch­ing too. Mouths open like this. They loved it. They were say­ing to her ‘you know that’s har­ass­ment right?’ you know what she said ‘let me get him his cof­fee first’. There ain’t no such thing as harassment.


They love it. They come here for it. They don’t come here for the food or the cof­fee. The food’s bad and twice as expens­ive as next door – how much is a lasagne next door? $6? It’s $11.80 here. And they don’t come here for the cof­fee, the coffee’s shit. They come here for the drama. And they come here cos they get a girl with everything they order. All female staff notice that? I even tried to get a female fuck­ing chief. Beau­ti­ful girl right. But a lesbo. Such a fuck­ing waste.”

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